Loving Someone You Hate

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Loving Someone You Hate

Have you ever wondered if it’s possible to love someone you hate? I mean, why the hell would anyone want to do that?! Well, read on. There’s a really important reason why.

Loving someone you hate. It’s probably one of the most difficult concepts to grasp. And probably one that seems illogical. Why on earth, would someone want to love a person they hate? And what does “loving them” mean?

Let’s deal with the first question first.

Loving a person you hate means you desire peace over personal conflict.

It means you desire freedom over self-imposed restraint. And it means that you desire to live and operate from a place of unconditional love—even toward those whom you believe may not be deserving of your unconditional love. Why? How can that be?

Well, my darlings, it’s because hate takes from you rather than gives to you.

Hate for someone eats at the core of your Spirit—not theirs.

Hate condemns you to a tit-for-tat mentality and keeps you operating from a place of spite and fear. And hate keeps you connected to negativity rather than allowing you to rise above the negativity and choose peace—your peace. Personal peace. And, thus, personal freedom. The freedom to love without condition. The freedom to walk through your life with your compass pointed toward your higher best self and your truth—your truth that is Love.

A few years ago I dealt with a horrifying situation, one that challenged the very core of my being and my essence. I was dealing with a person who was very easy to hate; he was making it easy. And that’s exactly why I knew need to dig very deep—within myself—and choose to love him and to do so without condition.

If I didn’t love him without condition, then his attempts to control and break me down would have succeeded.

And I, too, would have begun to operate from fear rather than from love and a deep love for all involved. I would have given away that which I hold dear to me and know to be true: I am love. I operate from love (even when it’s hard to), and no one can take that away from me. I will always choose the path of love—even when I’m afraid to and perhaps—especially when I’m afraid to.

You see, we are all born to be loving, kind human beings. We are all born to attach to love as the source of survival, and as we grow, we all continue to need love to prosper. But for some, most of us actually, as we move through our lives, we learn that love—unconditional love—is illusive, scary, and hard. Most everyone, at some point in life, begins to have conditions placed on the love they receive and in turn learns to place conditions on the love they give. Our switch to placing conditions happens without conscious thought, and there’s usually no malice intended. It happens because we and others are afraid, and when we operate from fear, the love we give becomes predicated on the love we receive (or the way it is given and received).

But back to What does “loving the people you hate” mean?

Loving someone, without condition, does not mean that you sacrifice yourself, accept or tolerate poor treatment. You do not. I repeat, you do not. It is quite the opposite. Read on.

The gift of loving, without condition—especially for someone we hate—the gift is for us. Not for them.

When we love the people we hate without condition, we are able to let them go and let them be who they are. Their actions have less of an effect on us because we know how they move through the world, we can anticipate how they may respond and we stop expecting them to act or be something different—we stop placing conditions on them to be someone they are not.  We accept them for who they are—even if we don’t like what they do.

When we choose to hate someone, the reason we hate, is because they stir up feelings within us that aren’t comfortable.

We generally hate a person’s behavior, not them as human beings. Their behavior challenges our very core and all things good in our world. We hate because we dislike or are afraid of how the person makes us feel—or because of the things we think they make us do (see Free to Be [Angry] post).

Now here’s where the magic begins. The lesson. And the gift.

We hate because we don’t realize the lesson they are here to teach us. The gift they are here to provide.

We hate because we don’t realize the blessing and the opportunity they are giving to us to grow, to expand our awareness of ourselves and others. As crazy as it sounds, these people, if you let them, will teach you how to love more freely, more deeply, and without condition.

I never quote the Bible in any of my posts, but it seems appropriate here. “…forgive them; for they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34 (King James version). Even though you may think they know exactly “what they do”—they are likely operating from fear and/or personal ignorance, they are likely not as evolved, and they just don’t know it.

So, the outcome, my dears, is forgiveness.

The day you choose to forgive them, to love them, is the day you choose to retain the power over yourself, your feelings, and your decisions. You determine how you choose to walk through the world and treat others.

The day you choose to love them is the day you step even closer to living and operating from your best and highest Self.

I choose love. And, I choose to love the people who do things that would otherwise make them easy to hate. I choose to love them. By doing so, I honor myself. I honor the other parties involved. I honor my Spirit. And I honor all that is good in the world and in humanity.

My dear friends, this is all she wrote for today.  Thanks for letting me share, so that I, too, can keep growing.

And remember, there’s meaning in everything and everyone. Search for it. I promise you will find it. I promise. If what I’ve written about in this post is not abundantly clear, leave a comment for me (below) with your specific situation, and I’ll try to help you to search for the lesson—the reason, and, thus, the meaning.

I’ll end with a quote that sums it all up. I’ve used bold typeface for three sentences which cut to the heart of this post, and honestly, every post I’ve ever written and every post I will ever write.

“We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.

—Mahatma Gandhi

I love you, I believe in you and I believe in everything amazing for you. Everything.

Until next time, friends.


8 responses to “Loving Someone You Hate”

  1. Pam says:

    Christina this is a hard topic. Right now I really feel like I hate this person and with reason. However I know that if I give him that power than he will win. I would give him that power in past and when he knew that he defeat me in some way it was as if nothing ever happen and there I was giving him the power. I still struggle with this but this to shall pass. Thanks love:)

    • christinareneej says:

      Pam — Yes, ma’am. It is a hard topic. And, yes, you are correct … if you give him the power of your hatred — then you also give him your happiness. Hate takes up room in the heart where love, peace and harmony can reside.

      Just remember, when he is making it easy to hate him. Recognize it. Let the realization smack you upside the head with a wet towel. And, tell hate to get the “f” out of the way — harmony is comin’ home. And, act with love instead.

      If you get stuck on it, send me note. I’ve got your back. Always.


  2. Mindy says:

    My friend, this was a very timely post. Just last night, my roommates and I were rehashing how horrible my ex-bf was/is, and I was feeling a strong amount of hate boiling up towards this guy. While I no longer have any romantic feelings towards the ex, I still feel a certain amount of rage towards him, but as your post alluded to, that rage, while I can embrace it for a bit, needs to be let go. I know deep down that all his mistreatment was only a reflection of his own insecurities – sorry, bro. This was a good reminder to continually choose love, which suits me better anyway. 🙂 So, thank you. xoxo.

    • christinareneej says:

      My dearest, Mindy. I’m so thankful that this post reminded you to choose love. 🙂

      My guess is that you wouldn’t be where you are today but not for this man and the role he played in your life. Every time someone affects us to the depths of hatred or rage — we should recognize that they’ve been placed before us to help us grow and evolve. To help us get closer to our better self. Try thanking him. (Just try it … humor me, darlin’.)

      Try to send him love for being who he is and doing what he did — so that you could learn what you need/needed to learn and so that you could evolve.

      A cool tip: When you feel the hatred or rage … wherever it hurts the most and whatever part of the story causes you the most angst …. that’s where you may still need to grow. 🙂 Focus on it. And, then the relationship was not in vain.

      Keep writing. Keep loving. And, please, please, keep smiling.



  3. Robin Neikirk says:

    Thank You.

  4. Gail Diamond says:

    I hear what you are saying beloved and I am a child of God about to graduate Theology School. Had it not been for the pain I would not be who I am. What do I do when I have to see either my children’s father or my Biological Half-Sister who decided they wanted to sleep together to cause me emotional harm so that I would give up my recovery from drugs. Obviously they lost. When I work my program doing a daily inventory and looking at my character defects, they keep coming up. I have forgiven them, I truly understand they acted out of there pain however what do I do when I come face to face with them. Thank you for this God-given novel. I so pray that God continues to keep you and your wonderful son. Blessings Beloved.

    • Christina Renée Joubert says:


      What if the affair happened because God/the Universe knew that the only way you would leave him, see how strong you really were and get on with your life’s purpose-work is if you were given a strong and undeniable sign that you were no longer supposed to be in a relationship with him? Would you have accomplished all that you have if you were still in a relationship to him? In what other ways have you grown as a result of the betrayal? Perhaps these two people were souls who came into your life to remind you of your strength to persevere and to remind you of your capacity to love everyone — even those whom you may feel are not deserving of your love. If you feel you have forgiven them and fully worked through the pain/betrayal, perhaps what’s left is gratitude. And offering gratitude doesn’t mean you condone the betrayal. Gratitude simply allows for the recognition that you are better because of the betrayal. The gratitude is for you, it’s the gift you give to yourself and then humanity. It’s so that you can look at them and realize that but not for them . . . it’s possible you would not be the amazing, beautiful, glorious woman you are today — ready to do your “purpose” work. But not for the violation of trust and betrayal, you would not be so ready to show others what commitment, love, gratitude and forgiveness really looks like, in action. You get to be a stronger beacon of light for others because these two folks gave you a reason to walk through the fire of betrayal and find more of your authentic, loving self on the other side. There are many lessons you can teach others because of the gift these two gave you. I know it may sound so counter-intuitive and counter to how most of us are taught to believe, but gratitude is a magic sauce and if we allow it to, it fully changes our perspective, our energy and our life. If you feel inspired, perhaps make a list of all the things you gained by leaving the relationship — all that the relationship, in retrospect, taught you about you. And then perhaps one day you will see them and you will be grateful for them. (which, btw, doesn’t mean you have to have them over for coffee — it simply means that their betrayal no longer has such a hold on your happiness and your ability to show up in love for all.) I hope this helped. Thanks for writing me and sharing the journey. And thank you for your blessings. You are courageous and I’m thankful you found your way (and for those who helped you along the way). xo

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Christina Renée Joubert is an author, teacher, and down-to-earth spiritual coach, mentor and healer — who merges spirituality with practicality to help people live aligned, joy-filled lives. She also teaches people how to take back their power by finding meaning, joy, inner peace, and love in every experience (good or bad) and from everyone.

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