[unedited, raw, vulnerable]
Have you ever lost a loved one — either by death or the person leaving your life in some way?
If so, have you ever had a moment when tears come to your eyes and you are instantly overcome with emotion and with a deep longing, a deep missing, a deep sorrow, a deep affection and pain for this person? A deep wish for just one more hug . . . one more laugh . . . one more moment in the world together? Just. One. More.
This happens to me often and it is happening now as I type these words. I am crying. Balling really. I am missing. I am longing. And I am filled with such intense emotion that I am inspired to write these words to you — to share my longing, to share my love, to share my gratitude for this pain and my gratitude for the man whose love inspires it.
Right here, right now, I miss my father.
I miss him more than words can describe.
I cannot believe I’ve lived two years without him in my physical world.
I miss him.
I miss him deep on the inside of my body, deep, deep within my soul.
And yet, I know he’s right here and in this moment — right now — he is with me. I know in these moments when I am overcome with emotion, that these are the moments when his Spirit is closest to me. I know these moments when I feel the deepest longing are the moments when he is sitting with me, proud of me, talking with me, hugging me, loving me, protecting me or just sitting nearby wanting me to know he is here for me.
And I know that my pain, my longing, my desire, my sadness . . . these feelings are all simply reminders — not of my loss but rather how deeply I have loved. How deeply we continue to love each other. He is my father and I will always be his baby girl.
You see, we have been trained to not stay connected to our pain. We have been conditioned to ignore it, numb it out, escape it, stuff it down. We have been taught that our pain is not comfortable or purposeful, therefore we do not find comfort, purpose or love in it.
But if I may offer you this: Your pain is beautiful. You. Are. Beautiful. You are full of light and love. And if you are full of pain, you are also full of opportunity to heal, to evolve and get closer to the love that is inspired by your pain. . . . For it is love that we are all here to experience. When you deny your pain, you are denying your capacity for love.
Pain and love coexist to heal us.
I love you.
There’s meaning in everything and everyone.
With loving grace,